Carson had gone through so much. He had open heart surgery at only 3 days old. He is so strong and so determined. Yet I find my self sitting here crying in frustration.
Ive always wanted to exclusively breastfeed my kids. I want that bond people talk about. I want him to be eating and reach up and grab my hand. I want to see his milk-drunk smile after he is done feeding from me NOT a bottle.
I feel so selfish, he has gone through enough. Every time I try to latch him (nipple-shield or not) he just screams the second he even sees my boob. I dont want to force him to do something he doesnt want to do. But pumping ISNT working. Im not getting near enough. He is eating 4 ounces and Im only getting 2-3. Every time I get out a bottle and fill it with water and a couple scoops of formula I want to cry. Today its finally hit me like a ton of bricks….I cannot get my emotions under control. All I want is for him to breast feed and he wont!
Ive called the La Lache League TWICE, and left a message both times. I have never heard back from them. To be honest Id like to call them and leave a nasty message. I want this so bad! Their organization is SUPPOSED to help people like me. I had so much determination, now I feel like giving up and I am not one to give up.
Ive been so strong through all of this, why is this breaking me? Im not giving up! I refuse! I had a lactation consultant come on Wednesday and she is coming again tomorrow. I really hope she can help us.