I’m sick of being strong

Can I be weak, just for a moment?

This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

If you haven’t heard on Facebook let me fill you in.

Carson went for his sedated echo on May 15th. He rocked it, and his heart function looks great. His cardiologist was waiting for his surgeon to get back from vacation to talk to her about surgery. She is back and I got the call today that he will have a cath before surgery and then surgery about a month or so after the cath. After I got off the phone with his cardiologist I got a call from the nurse practitioner who deals with caths. We scheduled a date: May 31st….

Thats NOT EVEN TWO WEEKS AWAY!!!!!!!!

Its a minor surgery.

Its scary.

and its one step closer to surgery, one step closer to me having to hand my baby over to the amazing hands of the surgical team.

I thought last time was hard….This time I have had an extra year to get even more attached to this amazing young boy my son is becoming.

How do I do this?

If they could just sign a paper guaranteeing me that he would make it through it would be a little easier.

I just feel like screaming.

I am a single mom now. I am pregnant (which was planned by the way). Although Nick helps out a lot we are not in a partnership anymore.

I have an amazing family, and an amazing support system but all of that doesnt fix my sons heart.

I wish he could be loved better. He has so much love, if he could it would be done by now.

I wish I could go through everything for him.

This is not the way things are supposed to be, Im not ready.

Please pray for him, pray for me, pray for the surgical team, just pray pray pray.

This surgery is a blessing. He wasnt supposed to have this surgery until age two or three because his cardiologist and surgeon didnt think his heart function would be this great this soon. This surgery means that Carson can walk to his Grammy’s house, which is next door by the way, without getting out of breath. This surgery means a better quality of life, a almost normal life. Its just getting through it.

Advertisements

One thought on “I’m sick of being strong

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s